motions within a creative mind not creating

surreal and real at the same time.

2009-12-30T23:09:00.003+08:00

It's the most glorious feeling. Ever.

Photo by Nelwin Uy

the closeness of insanity

2009-12-03T01:07:00.002+08:00

I haven't yammered in a while. I'm so emotionally unstable right now, so please just indulge me. It will be twisted, it will be long. I can't promise coherence. I can't promise being free of typographical and grammatical errors. But I will try.

I can feel this dark cloud of stress hovering above me. And that's while I'm tight-roping around my job and wedding planning. This evening, I tried to present a case to my parents about not inviting too many people (or the fact that we've already gone invitation-happy over the long weekend) that we are dangerously low on invitations. So the initially proposed list of 320 peole was more of the minimum. So we thought the 180 sets of invitations could cover it. Like I would know by some magical powers that we were going to send invites to people who were out of the country whom we knew wouldn't come anyway. So I wasn't really successful in presenting this case. Everything just broke down and I tried to keep my voice in check and the tears at bay. I really didn't need this after all the shit I go through at work. And that's with me doing the actual calligraphy on the invitations. And that's with my close friends sharing one measly invitation. I hate it. I hate how this has happened. I knew it. I should've shelled out more cash for like 500 sets of invitations. Goddammit.

I don't want a bridal shower. I have attended some in the past and never dreamed of having one for myself. I can get drunk. I can enjoy music. I don't need to play games. I don't fucking need lingerie or kinky gifts that will collect dust or waste space in a trash bin. I don't need to feel awkward with other people in the room. Namely relatives. Namely my mother. Like hello. Let's just go out and get drunk. Or drink coffee and have cake. Please. If I see a stripper I'm positively going to puke.

I really, really, really just SIMPLY want to get married.

I'm sure it will all go on. And it will all work out. BUT DO I REALLY NEED ALL THIS SHIT IN BETWEEN? Like, really. There's too much crap going on. I've got no assistant at work. I'm basically forgetting to do work because there's too much work. And of course everything's going to be my fault when it's not fucking done. Actually, I don't know if there even IS too much work. I'm too dazed and confused with all the to-do lists in my friggin head. Maybe I'm just imagining stuff. Maybe I'm just becoming delusional.

I'm on this stupid beach ban care of my mother. My skin is a darkened gray tan. It reeks of concrete and smog. I feel so dull and unglamorous. Everytime I walk on the parking lot I dream of real sunshine. With blue skies and a breeze that doesn't have essence of monoxide. The kind of sunshine that is golden, not reflected by chipped white paint and industrial glass. I do hope that on the wedding day, I miraculously develop some form of glow. WHATEVER. I just hope it happens.

Okay. Too long already. At the end of it all, I'm just wishing that all this shit disappears so we could GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.

Sheesh.

waiting at the end of 42 kilometers

2009-10-26T15:40:00.004+08:00

Last weekend, the fiancee and I drove up to Subic for their 2nd International Marathon. For the record, he's the one running. It's one of his things-to-do before he gets married. My presence is purely for moral support, and the possibility of needing to be the one driving home after the race.

The race starts at 4PM at the Floridablanca Tollbooth. A convoy of buses will be deployed at 2PM to bring the runners there, who'll be assembling at the Remy Field track oval (which is also where the finish line is). We take photos at the start/finish arc. I survey the area, looking for possible places to park myself and the camera for that money shot of my man crossing the finish line (or approaching it). By 2pm he's off and I return to the hotel to get some rest before returning to the field.

We estimate that he'd finish around 4hrs 30mins, hopefully earlier. He made me promise to be there early, by like 6pm, just to be sure - in case by some unfortunate event he gets injured or gives up. I know him though, over his dead body would he give up. He's just not the give-up kind of guy.

Being a good girl keeping her promise, I walk over at 6pm to start waiting on the bleachers. Over the PA system, the host announces that they're expecting the Kenyans to finish in the next 30 minutes. Okay, that's inhumanely fast. By the time this happens, the crowd amasses on the track. Within the next hour, more bionic runners make their way through the finish line.

8PM. Okay, that's nearly 4 hours. Still no sign. I'm anxious and excited. Yeah, call me a stage-bride-to-be. I think of how he made sure he wore red so my near-sightedness wouldn't impair my camera-clicking reflexes. Sweet. I imagine him crossing and in some dramatic moment, we hug or what-not (so MTV, but whatever). I start thinking of how sweaty and sticky he'll be, but I decided that I won't care. And then, the hosts announces that 3 runners have called it quits out of exhaustion. I feel a slight tinge of panic, but I knew that he's not going to give up. He'd walk through the finish line if he had to. He'd NEED to finish.

I spot a friend of ours entering the track oval. He's a stronger runner, but I get my hopes up thinking that my guy isn't far behind. A few more minutes and finishers later, I still don't see him. I'm running out of playlists on my iPod. I've warded off a number of guys trying to hit on me. I'm starting to wonder about what could've happened. This cannot be right.

Approaching 9PM. He's been gone for almost 5 hours. A series of finishers cross the line - some barely jogging, some just walking. He's not one of them. Something is wrong. God forbid his left knee gives (it's been operated on three times for an ACL). I check my phone. Nothing. I start wondering if my contact details were placed in the emergency numbers needed in the application form. He would've placed me as the person to contact, right? But since nothing's happening with my phone (save for my sister updating me about Philippine Fashion Week), the sirens in my brain begin to wail.

I fight the urge to run to the organizer's booth. I may miss him, if he does cross while I'm gone. So I stand, now by the track itself, with the huge D80+battery grip perched and ready to take his photo - more than that, to give him a smile and cheer. A live concert begins on the field, and the music helps lift my spirit for a bit. But then I return to anxiety now overtaking excitement. I hate feeling that there's something wrong, and yet helpless (or clueless) on what can be done about it.

It's just like time to play tricks on you, especially when you're waiting for something. It's like it intentionally goes slower. At past 9:30pm, I spot him. He's fine! He's running! He hasn't broken a leg or anything! I cheer and woot, snapping his photo. I'm sure he's disappointed about finishing over 5 hours. But I don't care. He finished his first marathon in one piece. He won't be in a wheelchair at our wedding. I meet him at the other end of the finish line to carry his race freebies and walk beside him as he drinks his Gatorade.

I can't describe how immensely proud I am of him. Like yeah, I'm marrying this man.

===

On a side note, I learn that the "something wrong" was that the water stations ran out of water (talk about not living up to their name). So hello dehydration and goodbye keeping a good pace. My big thank-you hugs to those support teams and fellow runners who were kind enough to share their water.

from jonas

2009-06-18T18:36:00.001+08:00

Originally uploaded by mey0r.

i love how these tell a story. thanks jonas, like a million.

a little bit more

2009-06-13T21:14:00.006+08:00

photos from Zoe (1-2) and Mon (3-4).

TEASER 2: Engagement Shoot

2009-06-11T16:49:00.003+08:00

Here are some shots from Mon and Kitkat, respectively. I truly cannot thank you guys enough. We absolutely LOVE the photos! I can't wait to show everything off at the wedding.

TEASER: Engagement Shoot

2009-06-02T15:30:00.004+08:00

This is from our good friend Chris Yambing. We had an all-film prenup shoot c/o our lovely pals from Lomomanila. Chris apparently went on a speedy developing and scanning spree. More shots will be coming thru, as soon as film processing is done. We're of course not going to reveal everything... that's for those in the wedding to see :)

Belle & John

2009-05-29T16:25:00.004+08:00

I've been exercising my Adobe Illustrator skills (at least what I've acquired so far thru online tutorials) on customizing wedding logos for my sisters at W@W. These ones are for Belle and John, whose wedding is Fil-Victorian with a dash of Christmas (since their wedding will be on December). Color palette is brown and gold.

My favorite is #4, but I also love the simplicity of #5. Hmmm. I also kind of like #6 because it's just so clean and streamlined, but with a good mix of ornate details. Okay, I really can't choose. I'll just stop now.

words from a song

2009-05-20T10:38:00.002+08:00

These words caught my attention while listening to a song. They're pretty words...

what patti feels like today.

2009-05-06T17:40:00.002+08:00

At least it was said with a smile.

Fonts used:
Mutlu
Mom's Typewriter
Pee Pants Script
Quicksand
Fail
Melanin
Dyspepsia

apart, in type

2009-05-06T12:37:00.002+08:00

fonts used:
Buffet Script
Outlaw
Marcelle
Bleeding Cowboys
Manzanita
Inked God
Megalopolis

fonts are love

2009-05-05T13:01:00.003+08:00

I have 1,052 fonts in my computer. I just installed Adobe Illustrator. I am nowhere near the graphic artists in typographicposters.com but at least this has busied me into a level of relaxing brain activity. Since I'm all done designing the paperie for our wedding, I'll probably be into type-inspired posters for the next whiles (until I find another distraction).

For norbert, my dyslexic boss:

for patti, because she talks this way:

for pat, because one of her is enough for the world:

please go to my wedsite

2009-03-06T10:52:00.005+08:00

to all my readers - i'm refocusing to blogging about stuff related to wedding preps, since my brain seems to be operating on thoughts about nothing else. so for the next 9 months, i'll be found in http://chipsnfozzy.weebly.com.

thanks and your comments on the blog are always most welcome!

i wonder if it was this complicated before.

2009-01-19T13:50:00.002+08:00

Planning a wedding, I mean. Huh, whut. Yes, I'm actually planning for a wedding. Yes, it's mine. This blog may transform into a wed-blog at some point. Or I may just create another one altogether. Anyways, since we're not yet officially enganged i.e. I'm still ring-less, I'll just pen my ragged, over-acting thoughts here for the moment.

Let's see. Once upon a time, I was on this I-need-to-get-hitched-before-30 kind of boat. But then I realized that it's not going to happen and that it doesn't matter at all. I feel like a kid most of the time anyway. So I've been conditioning myself to take my own sweet time, get as much of the plans as solid as possible, so planning and coordination won't go haywire as the time nears. That time being December 2010. Because that's also the time that the condo we invested in would be done and livable. Nice timetable right? It all falls into place. And being in advertising management, I'm reveling in this un-rushed, calm pace.

Until...

There came some external pressure that threatens to upset this calm, balanced pace! See, Chips' sister is on the before-30 boat. And I think there's some traditional family thing that Chips, being the eldest, should go first. Well, that's my theory at least. So, the timetable may get pushed as early as January 2010 (or even December this year!). HARG! Which then poses some hurdles to my nicely laid out and relaxed plans. So now I've got two timetables in my head - since this rush thing is one big what-if. A what-if I'm desperately praying to remain a figment of someone else's panicked mind (not mine please!).

So per my haggard timetable, we need to pin down a date (for the rushed option) with a prospective church and venue at the latest by February this year. Omigod January is almost over. HAAAARG x2!

Anyways, I'll go vent somewhere else. I think that cup of tall brewed coffee was a bad idea.

you will have to know tagalag

2008-07-07T00:04:00.002+08:00

I really don't know how to lay things gently on people. I usually wait for the most opportune moment. I don't have any spiel practiced. I generally know what I'm going to say. At the end of it all, the responses I get from the people I'm to talk to generally derail me from saying most if it. But I would evaluate myself to have at least said the gist of it.

You will have to know some bits of tagalog to understand the documented conversation of me telling my parents the plans I have been making with Chips (my boyfriend). I would imagine that I'd get rather tired translating every line. The plans involve the browsing of some real estate we could invest in for the "future". I came home armed with an envelope of brochures and computations. I really am liking this last one we visited, and per the computation, I would really have to prevent myself from going over a shopping allowance in order to pay for its monthly. I went in armed with a somewhat outlined spiel. But through the door, there they were - two of them, plus my cousin. I had planned to talk to just one of them first. But what the hey. Let's just spit it out.

"San ka nanggaling?" asks Dad.
Okay. Just spill. "Nag-ikot lang kami ni Chips..."
Come on, spill. "...sa mga condos and stuff."
"Naku!" says mom, on the couch. "Kakasal na ata ito!" (or something like that, her voice was too high pitched for me to comprehend)
"Mom," I say, "condo muna. Ang kasal, hindi pwede bayaran per month."

So I proceed to show my dad the brochures (because he's the more rational one). And he actually gave some good pointers. I neglected to say that we're looking to decide within the week, because the unit being given to us is one of the few left (it's a corner unit, on a floor with some garden thing). At this point, my mom insists we go look at The Fort because it's a nice area and stuff. My mom, typically is like a horse with blinders. She gets stuck on one thing and it's impossible to get her to change her mind.

"Isa lang ang banyo nya," dad notices.
"Ya, pero maganda sya - it's big. Not like yung ibang layout," I say.
"At second bedroom baka hindi naman namin gawing bedroom. Baka study. Or even closet... for all my shoes," I add.
My mom goes on high pitch again. "Hay nako paano kung nagka-anak na kayo!?! Kelangan mo na isispin yan. It's your future noh!"
"Moooom, ang layo pa nun!"
"Hay, it's the future."
"Maaa, we can always upgrade. At saka malayo pa yun."

I swear, mommy. My dad emails an agent that sent him some real estate quotations. I call Chips and tell him that I already told my parents. I wonder how his parents will react.

poem

2008-06-13T00:23:00.002+08:00

Taken so long,
travelled not far.
Singing this song,
stalling this car.

Skies have gone.
Shadows have dawned.
We walked on.
I held on. Yet--

Waiting for hope.
Smiling at past.
Long is this road,
Can't I turn back?

I've no hands to hold.
Yet still clawing on.
But love is gone,
I lost the love.

12:22AM
June 13, 2008

a morning with a reflexologist

2008-06-10T10:06:00.003+08:00

Last week, I was so paralyzed with stress. I couldn't move my neck. My shoulders ached. My entire body was in complete denial that it had to move. So yesterday, I took advantage of the holiday and went to a reflexologist. I've only known this woman for like, a total of 4 hours of my life. The first two hours was the first ever session I had with her last year. The next two hours were spent in utter pain, as she stretched, twisted, cracked and straightened me up. In joints and muscles that were even unknown to me. I can't believe that I actually felt better. She also had a couple of things to say to me. And it amazes me that she can tell.

I'm too stressed and I don't even have children yet.
My right shoulder is swollen and misaligned. I should stop carrying heavy stuff on it, for example my laptop or whatever else.
There's a lot of tension inside my body, that my organs can't breathe. Which would make me prone to abdominal pains (when I have my period) and susceptible to indigestion.
Whatever I do takes more vitamins and nutrients than what my body can give. So I need to take major supplements.
I shouldn't let hunger pass. I should always eat when I feel the need for it. Because my body is finding it hard to cope with the amount of work it needs to do.
I bathe even when I'm tired. When I told her I bathe in the morning when I wake up, she tells me that it just means my body is still tired and yet I wake it up.
I go to sleep stressed and exhausted, not relaxed and rested. Hence the heaviness in the mornings.

At the end of the session, I got texts and calls related to work. And I thought, is this all worth it? Wouldn't it all be a field of perfect nothingness if I just let go...

we're all whores

2008-05-15T11:23:00.003+08:00

The ties, business jackets, leather shoes and high-end bags are just cover-ups. When you get to the basics, we're all out in the so-called corporate world to sell ourselves with the main objective of trying to please others.

We dress "appropriately" for our jobs. We just use more yards of cloth, but the idea is the same - dressing to please. To suit the people we work for. To be attractive, presentable and credible, fit to interact with the clients we serve. So we can persuade them to say yes. And convince them to see validity of our argument. At the very least, arrive at an amicable compromise. We all want impose authority, posture superiority, demand that the job be done.

Well, because we are paid to do it, and they are paid to do it. We're all paid to do what we have to do. Sometimes we like it. Sometimes we totally abhor it. But we grind our teeth into a smile, clench our bound fists, and bear it. Because yes, we are paid to do the job, whatever kind of job it is. It may not be a job that involves standing at a street corner or a badly lit club, but hey, who are we kidding. The computer screens we face, the desk and big chair we sit in, the fancy flippy desk calendar - they don't change anything.

We're all just glorified prostitutes. So saying "fuck you" to a colleague, co-worker or client shouldn't really be so offensive.

the story of the little thing

2008-04-23T13:13:00.004+08:00

It was during this one day, a special day. Special because it was extraordinarily chaotic for Things. Special because you would've never have seen this much things around before. There were so many Things. Too many that every thing was fighting with everything else. It was difficult for one Thing to get along with the next Thing. And the simplest Things turned into the most complicated Things, even it was born as a simple thing and not a complicated thing. The easy Things became hard Things. And being hard Things, they didn't want to become easy Things. So on that one chaotic special day, there was a war among the Things.

Now - there was this one Thing that was caught amongst all the other Things. It was a big thing. A perfect collection of little things. A big, perfect thing. Compared to all the other Things, it was the most perfect of all. No Thing would ever think there was a flaw. No Thing would think it would mess itself up given all the chaos with the other Things.

But on that day full of other Things, it saw another little thing. That it thought was the most unassuming, precious thing. It was a challenge. It was something to attain. The big Thing wanted it. Wanted to add it to its wonderful collection of little things.

It wouldn't hurt, to be more perfect. Just by a bit. It's only a little Thing anyway. All the other Things wouldn't notice. They're too busy with everything else.

The Little Thing sat quietly. And watched every Thing argue with everything else. Oblivious to the fact that it could potentially be a big thing. It didn't care, it was fine as it was. In the big scheme of Things, it felt better off being the little, simple, fine-as-is thing.

However, Big Perfect Thing thought otherwise. More little nice things make for a more perfect big thing.

So it went past all the other Things. Stepped over, clamored over, pushed and pulled over all the other warring things.

But because the small thing was too small, it couldn't see the big things that were happening. It couldn't see that some thing became an angry thing. That some other things didn't want to get pushed around.

Until every thing happened so fast. That some Thing was hurled at that beautiful collection of little things. Because all the other things saw that this one big thing was the thing that should be finished. And so the perfection that it was broke into a mass of nice and dead little things. Nice little things, but dead no-things. A perfect big nothing, it then was.

Meanwhile, the Small little thing continued to sit happily on its own. Because in the big battle of things, it was happy that it didn't matter.

Moral of the story: Little things can kill you. Or get you killed. Either way, you die.

the photo on flickr's explore

2008-04-16T11:37:00.002+08:00

"the best kind of solitude"

i love summer.
i wish i lived on a beach.

i wish i didn't have to work.

i wish we were all free.

taken with a Vivitar Ultra Wide & Slim
Kodak Elitechrome film, cross processed

the big M

2008-03-10T00:20:00.002+08:00

I just finished putting a presentation for work. Yep, working on a Sunday. God will strike me with lightning... *waiting for the lightning*. Okay, so the striking thing didn't really happen. And because I was really staring at myself in disbelief for actually working on a Sunday over something I'm really not too psyched about, I decided to blog.

What to blog about. Here I am deciding to blog about something that's been haunting me for the recent years. Something that's getting harder and harder to put off, to ignore. Yah, it's the big M. Like that thing that your extended relatives, your close friends, your grandparents always bug you about. When are you getting married?

Goddammit. I really wish it was something you really didn't have to plan. Or prepare for. Or save a whole lot of money for, at least. Like you know, one of those things that just happened. Like one day, hey, I'm married. Or like some car crash... Oh, it happened so fast, I couldn't see, I couldn't make out anything... Haha. I'm making jokes about it. To tell you the truth, I'm almost terrified. Friends are going down the aisle left and right. I am... at least with the guy I see myself living my whole life with (that's a start).

Will I even be a good married person? I can't say for the life of me that I would be. I can't cook. We'll probably be living off preservatives, heated food and take-out. Oh and I am the most disorganized pack rat. I can be obsessive compulsive, but I'm characteristically a mess. Oh my Lord I can't even manage to keep my room clean, how in the world am i supposed to do a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom!?!?? I think I'd need one of those reality show crash course rehab things. I don't know. I really don't know. This is insane, right?

I don't know what else to say about it, actually. I would actually probably have fun planning it. It's just the stress of getting there, worrying about how it would be when we're actually there, saving up to actually get there. It's almost 1AM and I'm yammering and worrying.

I should try to go to sleep...

alive and ranting

2008-02-27T12:22:00.002+08:00

I'm amidst yet another crisis. Well, it's the same crisis just repeating itself, maybe in a bigger scale. I'm so close to breaking down, it's insane. How do you motivate yourself to keep on doing what you do? Well, it's not that I hate it. Okay, Sometimes I do. But sometimes it actually manages to make me happy. But then again, the road to that happiness is such an indescribable toil through hell.

I would have to say I'm doing it for the money. Because I want to save up for something. If I didn't need to save up for this something I would honestly already settle for a simpler job and wouldn't even mind being paid less. Because I have rationalized that I totally do not need this kind of stress in my life. The death of braincells, the possible doom of an aneurysm, the sunken bags under my eyes, the swelling tear ducts of sleepless nights -- I really can't imagine how long I can still take. And why I'm still taking it. Am I that desensitized to pain already?

I honestly don't know if I'm just being a little over acting drama queen, like a certain celeb I've just worked with, but darnit I'm not God. I can't possibly in my human superpowerless capacity give everyone everything. There's a certain breed of people that can't understand that you can't have everything. Can we have this here, can we have this there, can i have everything everywhere. Why? Well, I don't know. Just coz. Damn! Maybe they don't need people. Maybe they need robots. You know, the type of servants that don't complain. You just program things and everything is spat out the way their overworked (or underworked) brains would've wanted it.

I was thinking last night - what if I did what I was supposed to do last year? What if it did happen? Would I be feeling better? Would I be less of a stressful mess? Part of me wants to find out for real. Part of me doesn't. Scared, maybe? I truly hate being the person who's always stuck and can't leave. For some reason. I end up being the one not able to go away, try and explore. Well, at some point I'll have myself to blame - for being such a security junkie, for being too nice.

I have to work on being a gutsy bad-ass. Maybe then.

the kids today...

2008-01-18T09:40:00.000+08:00

I've never imagined myself saying this line. It makes me feel so old. Well, maybe because I am. Haha. Anyway, I don't know if it's a general thing. Or it's how the younger ones are brought up. Or it's how their environment is.

I feel that the joy of exploring is lost nowadays. You know, that thrill of actually being lost and finding your way out. Like having to search, rummage, see for yourself. The adventure of the find. What is it that is not to enjoy? The fulfillment level becomes all the more higher. Don't you think? It beats just being given the answer - although sometimes it wouldn't hurt to get it over with quicker.

It's like we've created a plague of short attention spans and now-now-now mindsets. Oh, the negatives of living in such a fast-paced and forever evolving world. Everything at your fingertips. Having it so easy. If you want an answer, just type it in. No more leafing through pages. No more browsing through references and resources. No more using deductive reasoning of where it could be, where the best answer could lie. It's just ask and an answer should be given. Not caring if the answer already is somewhere else (that's actually accessible, if you just looked). Just give me the answer. Like, now. Now na. As in. It's more of a Q&A-type interview. Not so much "research" - the mining, digging and finding kind.

It's like what my dad always reprimanded me for when I just asked and not looked -- "Kasi, ginagamit ang bibig hindi ang mata, eh" (You're just using your mouth, not your eyes).

Godforbid my kid grows up to be like the kids today.

i'm stuck in the office because it's chaos outside

2007-11-29T16:51:00.000+08:00

Another friggin coup. Stupid, stupid people. Not helping. I don't really like politics. I prefer being apathetic. But if these things prevent me and a gazillion other people minding their own business from actually going about the business that they are minding (not to mention wrecking the plans of going out and celebrating payday with the bazaars and sales all around), then they start to matter.

Well, to begin the whirl of stupidity, why allow someone who's in friggin jail to run for office. Furthermore, people actually voted for a convicted person. Like DUH. You don't even need a law for that, it's just common sense. There are even bishops joining this coup. Is that even serious!?? Are they out of their minds? So all this Church talk about peace, love and charity is all... well, just talk, apparently. Argh! I hate it. This is frustrating. In the next month or so, there will be more chaos, debates, stupidity and pointing of fingers. Die everyone, die.

Anyway, I feel sorry for the Peninsula. They're one of those minding their own business. They just renovated. And you have stupid, stupid people ruining their plans of installing their infamous big beautiful lobby Christmas tree. Someone's plans of a grand wedding reception is now kaput. A bride is standing in her wedding dress, holding a bouquet of flowers, not knowing what to do.

And now I can't go to Rockwell for shopping. Boo. Can someone please just snipe all of them.

i became an island girl for 5 days

2007-10-30T11:06:00.000+08:00

This post is quite late, considering I'm recounting something that happened almost 2 weeks ago. This is going to be about a vacation I took, a much deserved one, I would like to think. Since the death of this year's summer, we've been cooped up in the artificially lit and ventilated corporate world. It was a perfect time to finally break free and rid myself of all this stress that seemed to be accumulating for the greater good of nothing.

So from October 11 to 15, I was voluntarily stranded on this beautiful little island 45 minutes off of the Bohol mainland. Okay fine, I did go on the Bohol day tour on the first day (where I enjoyed the 24-foot python more than the tarsier). And after that wonderful day, we retreated to Pamilacan Island. You take a boat from the Loboc port, head off into the sea, and in 45 minutes or so, you'll find yourself in your own little paradise. Well, at least it was my little paradise for 5 days. We stayed in Pueblo de Pamilacan, where we paid 800 per person per night. It was inclusive of all the 3 meals -- you'd see fishermen walking around with their catch of the day while you eat your breakfast and that shall be your lunch (or dinner).

It was utter detoxification. Devoid of any form of civilization (except maybe for our cellular phones that we didn't turn on anyway). Electricity was turned on from 6-11pm only. There was no running fresh water. So we had a manual labor kind of toilet. Water was rainwater that you'd have to carry by buckets. Conservation was key! I can't believe that I loved it. I can't believe that I actually want to go back.

I took the little island for granted when we first landed on its shores. But then the beauty of it just engulfs you. I couldn't stop taking pictures. I couldn't stop gawking. Every minute, the sky seemed to change. It was like a slide show on a 360-degree screen. For some reason, the sky was huge and overpowering. And it was wonderful. After 5 days, we still felt like we missed something.

Most of the tourists just stay for lunch in the island, after their dolphin watching in the morning. Oh yah, we got to see a family of wild dolphins! Even pilot whales. It was an adrenaline rush, actually see them spinning out of the water. When you're lucky, you'd even get to see a shark or two. And when you're really lucky, humpback whales. Anyways, an afternoon's stay there is not enough. Because you MUST see the sunset against the spanish watch tower. And you MUST go snorkling (you just walk a bit from the shore and there are fishies everywhere). And you MUST take a photo of what they call the "Small Island" -- it's a big rock in the middle of the sea with trees growing on it. And you MUST spend time with the locals because they will make you fall out of love with your busy over-achieving life in the city and make you fall madly in love with their simplicity and appreciation of the beauty that God has created for all of us.

If you'd like to see to believe, do visit our galleries for more photos: click here and here and here... plus digital shots from Chips' D80 are here and here.

If you'd like to consider visiting this island for your next trip out of civilization, do YM me (id: dezphaire) and I can help you contact the people necessary.

is fozzy still alive?

2007-10-06T22:58:00.000+08:00

Yes, yes, yes! I'm still here. I've been going through this life processing thing. I almost left but then I didn't. I was supposed to experience a change, but I chose to hold back. I was getting tired, well -- I am still tired, but I'm trying to revive some motivation.

I absolutely have no idea if what I'm doing is right anymore. I am just cherishing the moment, seizing the day. Whatever. I don't care. Well, I do care. Maybe I'm just scared. But I almost, like really was on the brink of pushing all fear aside and plunging into a risk. But well, the comfort zone beckoned and showed me something greener. Am I feeling regret? I don't know.

Well okay, fine. If that change didn't happen, I am going to make something happen. It scares me shitless but I'm doing it anyway. I have long, straight black hair that has never been touched, colored, treated. Nothing more than 3 inches has been chopped off it in eons. A friend from a good salon is offering a free-cut & free-color service as a demonstration of a new technique she learned in some hair convention in London. I volunteered! Hah!

It will happen on Monday. I will be renewed. I hope I will still look human.

Wish me luck!

a post about ukay

2007-08-28T22:53:00.000+08:00

One time Chips and I were in Tagaytay and I was supposed to stop by the ukay-ukay shop that was along the rotonda. When we got there, I find that the 4-storey place of vintage gloriousness was gone! I was devastated! That's where I got a Zara band-style jacket for only 200 bucks! Shit man, there goes another Fozzy destination.

Fast forward to yesterday -- Chips and I were up there again for a breakfast buffet at Josephine's. I planned to ukay at one more place I knew of that was still there. It was a little store in that building where Figaro was. When we got to the lot, the store was closed! Can this be? Is the world conniving against my source of thrifty stress-relieving happiness!?? I was at a loss. Like, utterly down and out.

And then... as we were going to visit a chapel... the heavens broke and shone on a miracle of a mirage. There it was, paradise! A complex filed with rows and rows of potential finds. If only I had more money. Dammit.

Okay, for all of you who would want some ukay fun in Tagaytay, I'm in a sharing mood. If you know where Jollibee, Greenwich and McDonald's is from the rotonda, you'll find the heaven. It's like, going to stare you in the face. Come in, buy all of us.

the crap shoot exhibit

2007-08-13T17:08:00.000+08:00

LomoManila goes to Mag:net Bonifacio High Street

Local photography movement LomoManila splashes its vibrant images on to the walls of the new Mag:net Café High Street in The Fort Global City from August 13 to September 10. The ever growing group of toy camera lovers unveils their collages of exciting and colorful lomographs with a launch on Monday, August 13, 8pm featuring five themed lomowalls and musical performances by Kate Torralba, Mozzie, Shoulder State, Mobster Manila, Top Junk, Free Beer and Sanity Kit.

Lomomanila is a community of toy camera photographers who advocate the use of film and a non-traditional approach to photography, disregarding the basic rules of composition and exposure. With hundreds of members in the community, this exhibit will have more than 250 lomographs from about 50 active Lomographers using a variety of film and toy cameras.

"We have taken Lomography and Lomomanila into the mainstream, exhibiting in a high profile location such as Mag:net in the Fort. We hope we can get the interest of more people in Lomography and appreciation for our style and brand of images. We appreciate Mag:net for supporting our movement and the art community in general," Robert Rojales, comments.

The exhibit, dubbed the Crapshoot, dedicates entire walls to shots of body parts, flash photographs, self portraits and the best work of some LomoManila members with over-the-top angles, colors and techniques. “LomoManila’s exhibits are not only exhibits, they are a celebration of creativity and friendship. When you join LomoManila you’re not only joining a photography club but an entire barkada full of fascinating and wonderful people,” LomoManila Founder At Maculangan emphasizes.

The group started in 2003 as an e-group of Filipino artists drawn to the lomography movement which started in Vienna, Austria. Since LomoManila’s inception, it has held exhibits in BlackSoup Projects in Marikina Shoe Expo Cubao, Route 196 Bar and Mag:Net in Katipunan, and DPI Photography Center in Ortigas. It is a mix of artistic individuals from students to corporate executives, writers, visual artists and professional photographers.

“Lomomanila is the most vibrant, the most exciting and the most welcoming photography community I have ever come across. We are very proud to have them in Mag:net Bonifacio High Street," Mag:Net’s Gabe Mercado comments.

LomoManila’s “Crapshoot” at Mag:Net Bonifacio High Street runs until September 10. For more information, contact Bong Rojales at rrojales@gmail.com

*Press Release written by Marge Francia

request

2007-08-08T18:23:00.000+08:00

I would like for the rain
to lace through my fingers,
to make puddles at my feet
as I lay down with you.

I would like for the breeze
to sing through this sadness,
to dance within my tears
as I search my soul for you.

I would like for this night
to feel like it wasn't,
to unfold like it shouldn't,
because it shouldn't have been...

11:48 PM
August 6, 2007

for non caffeine fixes

2007-07-30T23:32:00.000+08:00

I've begun to cross the border. Well, not completely. More of just going there for a vacation. Because they say it's bad to drink too much coffee. And when I've reached my quoata, but I still want my hot, soothingly aromatic drink, I have to resort to SOMETHING. Here are my top picks:

Chai Tea Latte from Seattle's Best. I discovered this through my boss' boss. We were off to an after-lunch hot fix, and we already had too much coffee from a long morning meeting. So she told me to try this drink. Heaven! I really don't like tea because I feel like my mouth is filled with chewed grass. But this was absolutely wonderful.

Chai Tea Latte from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. After the Seattle's Best fix, I went on a Chai Tea spree. And my co-worker told me to try the one from Coffee Bean. Oh my Lord. It was such a wondrous experience. AHLAVET!

Apple Cider Tea from Cheesecake Etc. I had this when I was sick. It had a cinnamon stick. It was sweet. And yet not too sweet. It made my flu bearable.

It's a bummer that Starbucks here doesn't have Tea Latte's. But you can ask them to add milk to their Tazo line. Somehow, it's not the same.

Damn. Now I'm craving for Chai Tea.

Bugger.

should i kill you?

2007-07-17T16:04:00.000+08:00

I haven't been writing here at all. I'm sorry for how lax I've been. Apologies to those who visit and think damn, there's nothing new here.

Well there's really nothing new so far. I'm still taking pictures. I still constantly rant about work. My right shoulder still cramps when I'm stressed. I've been buying shoes. I still want to buy shoes.

Should I still keep this blog? I really don't know.

Pray that I get to write about something substantial soon.

i need speed

2007-06-30T01:56:00.000+08:00

I'm under an aftershock. I can't really focus. Because, can I just say -- that TRANSFORMERS was just so fucking cool? It stupendously, tremendously, and just mind-blowingly ROCKED!

Like majorly.

I was confused to be honest. Because at which point did I actually feel that my heart raced faster, my breaths were shallower, than when I was watching 300 rippling men fight it out in almost nothing?

I don't know.
It was hot. Fast. Sexy.

Wait. I think I just felt a testosterone rush.

i bought a Helmut Lang shirt for 80.00 Php

2007-06-12T15:26:00.000+08:00

The Ukay-ukay industry is getting smarter. Everytime I go up Baguio, they've gotten a backgrounder of designer goods and priced their items accordingly. But at least some brands are still alien, and some of the best vintage finds are in incomprehensible languages or logos.

The Helmut Lang shirt is a classic tailored white polo. Fabric is heavenly. Tag says "Made in Italy". My heart jumped as I found it amidst a rack of tattered sweaters and cotton tees. The secret in being able to haggle in ukay? Never show excitement over a find. They will sense that it is valuable and should be priced higher. If possible, fake a sincerely hesitant or disgusted face. Deliberate out loud if you should purchase or not. Make mindless remarks on the reasons on why you shouldn't purchase it (i.e. might not match anything, don't have shoes for it, a thread is sticking out).

I didn't get to go around much. There weren't much bags. I bought a couple of articles I might sell to my officemates. Come to think of it, I can just make that an alternative career. I will be an ukay-ukay hunter who will sell to those who cannot hunt. Yes, maybe I will (sometime in the future).

By the by, I also got a bargain on a puffa fur-lined hoodie. Now I just need to tell the office to jack up the airconditioning a couple of notches...

silver lining

2007-05-30T19:10:00.001+08:00

corner
Originally uploaded by dezphaire.

I worked over the weekend.
I wanted to throw up.
I can't believe I woke up at 6am.
On a Saturday.
And a Sunday.

Good thing there's my holga.
And my vivitar.

They give happiness.

Now if only that Taxona would come along now.
Any moment.

I'm waiting.
It's killing me.

maybe a random poem

2007-05-24T23:41:00.000+08:00

I'm having this phase again. You know, when you get to thinking if this is what you want with your life. When you're just plain tired. And you trudge. And you can't imagine why the hell you're waking up the next day. And why in the world you're even considering going about that day you've involuntarily woken up into.

That plus none of my doses of happiness (a.k.a. cameras being shipped from the eBay people) have arrived. Sigh. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED. I can't even express how exhausted I am. And that's just after returning from a beached weekend. I wish I never had to go back. I wish the ocean just ate me up. That the sun just burned me to death. I used up the happiness that the beach gave me.

I am working over the weekend. Practically a 14-day work week. Can you imagine that. That's just crazy. I wish I was just some Vanna White person whose job was to flip the letters in some game show. She gets pretty dresses too.

I NEED HAPPINESS!!! Fucker.

Anyway, I decided to open up a random book. Let the random book be a collection of Pablo Neruda's poetry. This is what it told me:

LXX

Maybe - though I do not bleed - I am wounded, walking
along one of the rays of your life.
In the middle of the jungle the water stops me,
the rain that falls with its sky.

Then I tough the heart that fell, raining:
there I know it was your eyes
that pierced me, into my grief's vast hinterlands.
And only a shadow's whisper appears,

Who is it? Who is it? But it has no name,
the leaf or dark that patters
in the middle of the jungle, deaf along the paths:

so, my love, I knew that I was wounded,
and no one spoke there except the shadows,
the wandering night, the kiss of the rain.

I don't know what this means now. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight people.

of bad news and good news

2007-05-16T12:10:00.001+08:00

closed doors
Originally uploaded by dezphaire.

Was at my mom's hometown for the weekend. My uncle was running for mayor. So everyone flew up to rally and support his campaign. He's the outgoing Vice Mayor. Among the candidates, he's the only one with experience in office. And a clean, credible, respectable background. Well, as the circle of hell we call politics would have it, voters were conned, bribed and punched sideways. It's a sad thing that he lost. It's very disappointing. How can you really rise above this kind of corruption, when the majority of the people don't know any better. Or everyone's just scared shitless. Doesn't bring us closer to a "better place" anyhow.

Lost. Well one thing for sure... I am NEVER voting again.

But, that aside, the only thing that kept me looking at the brighter side was that I had my cute little plastic camera along for the trip. And the much brighter side of it was that the pictures came out so beautifully! Furthermore, I learned from the seller of the ever-so-awaited Taxona that the camera will take only 2 weeks of shipping. Yey! So I will be happy next week!

I sure hope there are no delays. I need good news now.

the craziness will not stop!

2007-05-10T08:14:00.000+08:00

This little win will be arriving in 3 weeks. Like yeah, baby!

Now, if only I can distract myself from the pain of waiting.

Philippine Daily Inquirer baybeh!

2007-05-02T10:45:00.000+08:00

Congratulations Lomomanila! The team got featured in the Lifestyle section of PDI. Grab your copy now (or read through the online version)! And the best part of it, my photo's on the front page! Shet. I'm giddy like anything. Smiling while walking around here at work. Heck, I've got this wide insane grin as I'm typing right now.

I actually don't know what else to say...

the photo that made the frontpage.

Lakbay Lomo!

2007-04-23T14:52:00.000+08:00

Yehey Lomomanilah! The Lakbay Lomo walls are now officially open. Do take a look-see and be overwhelmed by the conglomeration of the wild, sometimes blurry, eye-stinging magic of a film camera taken on the road. The exhibit will be up until the end of May at the DPI Gallery (2F Astoria Suites, Ortigas Center, Pasig).

We managed to take a class picture before everyone got lasheng. Some members were tardy or absent. Hala, principal's office kayo. Hehe. Joke.

photo by Bong

photo by Eric

I love this to bits. I'm addicted like anything. It's the only one keeping the insanity seem like it's not too bad. Or maybe the other way around. Now I'm wondering which is the lesser evil... my addiction to film or my constant drive to buy shoes.

i need help

2007-04-18T23:53:00.000+08:00

Am I depressed? Am I disturbed? Or am I just plain impractically shopping like crazy? Well, some of them are downright steals. But some I regret. But well, maybe they will do some good sometime in the future. Take my recent purchases for this month...

Colorsplash Flash (2nd hand). Cost: 1,000 Php. I think it's a steal. Even if it was sold without the filters. It's like a 75% discount. I'm happy. I'll go on the lomodrug soon again. Wee.

Jersey one-piece short-and-tank thing. Cost: 400 Php. It was cute. It was a nice color of pink. It was supposed to be just an underthing for a sheer kaftan. Chips said that I didn't need to fit it. It would look good. But when I got home, it was just plain GAH. Now what do I do with this thing...

Over 70 rolls of professional film. Yah, I'm crazy. I had my lovely cousin bid on it for me on eBay. Since historically, I've been so unlucky. He won! Yey! I guess that will reach me in a month or so. It's such a bargain. Like, less than 50 Php per roll. Wow. Can't wait.

Black pumps. I could've sworn they fit me in Singapore. They are now in the possession of my sister. I sold it to her for 500 Php. At least I got some form of money back.

Vivitar Ultra Wide and Slim. Cost: 800-900 Php. Still to be determined based on shipping costs. I really can't wait for this camera. If you surf Flickr for it, you'd yearn for its beauty too. Two more weeks of waiting...

What in the world is making me think that I actually have money?

it's so packing hot!!!

2007-04-16T00:11:00.000+08:00

The humidity today was unbearable. I was supposed to go out for a nail salon extravaganza, but I couldn't imagine even walking out of my room, into the garage and getting into a car that has baked outside all day. And getting dressed (decently) for church was taxing. As early as now, I'm already at a loss as to how I'm going to get dressed for work tomorrow. Argh! Now if only they'd allow shorts and flip-flops. Ha. How I wish.

I bought a pair of cute black pumps from Singapore. Now it's either my feet swelled up a size bigger, or they shrunk. Did that have something to do with the heat too? Damn! So I can't wear my beautiful new shoes anymore? Does this mean I need to wait for cooler weather!?? Double argh! I do hope that I get to wear them. Shit. They're so pretty.

Today, we went up to 34 degrees. And you know what? It doesn't stop there! Per the weather forecast people, we'd go up to 35 degrees come April 18-19! Dammit!

So if you thought today was packing hot, next week will be packing hotter!

Packershet!

it feels good to have clean feet

2007-04-15T01:43:00.000+08:00

For the entire afternoon (and night) of Saturday, Lomomanila members were at Lolo At's studio to prep our detachable "walls" for our exhibit at DPI. The exhibit is going to be launched on April 21 with a theme "Lakbay Lomo" -- showcasing panels of 4R photo prints on anything to do with travelling.

So there we were... sticky, crouched on the tarpaulin laden floor... barefoot, acting as living depositories of germs and dust. I'm a still bit incoherent. My thumbs hurt from rolling up and plastering these blue re-usable adhesive tacks (which we just call kulangot). The walls look brilliant. All hard work paid off. We just hope that the adhesive tacks do their job until the actual opening of the exhibit.

All I can really say for sure... is that it really fucking feels good to have clean feet.

there i go again

2007-04-09T01:01:00.000+08:00

I'll be going to Singapore tomorrow (or should I say later). I've got 4 more hours left for sleep. Should I be excited? I'm not that up for it really. I'm going to pluck myself out of my planned holiday - of just lounging around and probably heading off for some ukay-ukay in the afternoon. As we speak a college friend is throwing a birthday drinking session. I of course couldn't hang in until the wee hours because I have to be conscious enough to fly alone and get there still sane, without any limbs missing.

Yup, I'll be spending my now defunct declared non-working holiday alone on a plane, on the first flight out to Singapore. I need to be in the airport by 6 in the freakin morning. I had no energy or motivation to buy dollars. So I don't know... maybe I'll just loiter around. Scrimping on food so I'd get to buy a pair of shoes. Or maybe film. Or maybe I'll just be a devil enough to use what's left in my debit card account.

If anyone's wondering, this trip is for business. Far from pleasure. It's going to be one of those sessions where they sift through the last of your working braincells for "provoking" ideas. Whatever. I'll try to be productive sans the bitterness.

The good thing about it is that I'm going to take a leave on Friday. Come on, I deserve a holiday. I hope there's free internet. If not, well... blog you when I blog you. Ciao!

analogy

2007-04-03T22:07:00.000+08:00

I hate it when you don't want to.
But they make you.
The insides of my skin crawl with anger.
But you feel like you have no choice.
Or else.

Say --
Everything is okay.
Yeah, the HELL it is.

And it doesn't matter.

And they seem to not really care.
Because they want to do it anyway.

It's not work.
It's more like rape.

you've used up all your coupons

2007-04-03T08:50:00.000+08:00

And all you've got left is me.

I really don't feel like writing a whole litany of stuff about my life right now. Let's just play this song.

i can be brown i can blue i can be violet sky

2007-03-29T10:10:00.000+08:00

GRACE KELLY by Mika.

My happy song of the moment. It makes me smile. It makes me want to jump and throw my arms up like a madwoman. It makes work bearable. I just can't reach the high notes.

i am a sinner, this is my karma

2007-03-26T14:35:00.000+08:00

This is bad. I am being punished. I can so tell. But really, did it have to happen? I was on a high. I was winning the bid! Come oonnnn!!! *whine*

Okay fine, here's the story. I couldn't help it. I was bidding on 28 rolls of film. They would originally cost about 150-250 Php each, because they are professional films and kinds rarely sold here. But since it's expired and they are being sold in bulk, they come down to just a hundred bucks. I won the bid. I payed through paypal. I used my magical Visa debit card. What could possibly go wrong?

For one thing, Paypal didn't send me a transaction receipt. They brought me to this page that said the transaction/payment was completed and that they will email me a receipt. But lo and behold, no receipt ever came in sight. Second thing, the seller has confirmed that she/he hasn't gotten the payment yet! Packershet ever. Third and most disturbingly stressful of all, the item has already been charged to my account!

I want to die.

Packer.

everyone's talking about it

2007-03-18T01:07:00.000+08:00

I watched 300. Finally. A testosterone-filled movie. But I could feel the estrogen levels of the women in the theater rising. It was a feast. Cinematic. Utterly beautiful. A refreshing take on how to film an epic. I love the graphic treatment. It made the beheading of breathlessly beautiful men more bearable. Okay, I will stop trying to yammer about what everyone else has probably already praised. Instead indulge me in my little senseless thought balloons as I was digesting this beautiful production:

1. The casting department must have had a grand hell of a time.

2. God, look at those abs.

3. Oh, their arms are so toned... hug me, please. Any one of you.

4. I want to be a drugged Oracle.

5. A lot of hair waxing probably went on...

6. Kissing King Leonidas must be itchy.

7. I want to be a Spartan woman.

8. And I want the Queen's dresses.

9. Xerxes was one huge scary-ass gay man.

10. Why did they have to kill the horses!??

11. Wow, I want to jump and knife someone's arm off too.

12. King Leonidas is so cute when he's sarcastic.

13. God, even the old people had toned muscles.

14. Ooohwaa ooohhwaaa ooohhwaaahhh!!!!

the lenten forgotten

2007-03-16T09:42:00.000+08:00

Okay so it's been what... more than a week since this whole "no buying of film or cameras" thing entered my life. The beautiful camera is still on eBay. The seller re-listed it. Maybe the other bidders didn't get to complete the transaction. Maybe the devil is trying to taunt me. Maybe the seller is the devil. So far, I've been successful in limiting my eBay transactions to "watching".

But I completely forgot about this "no buying" thing on non-eBay transactions. The resident supplier of expired film for LomoManila sent an email announcing new arrivals. Films not normally available in stores at discount prices. The hoarder in me just went berzerk. So there, before I knew it, I was buying in bulk. There. Done. Dammit.

I'll blame it on short term memory.

Okay, that will just be me making excuses.

Fine.

I'm a failure. I can't control myself.

So I guess now I can bid on the Taxona?

the lenten negotiation

2007-03-09T11:15:00.000+08:00

I want to keep my "sacrifice" of not buying film or cameras for the season of Lent. The operative word being "buying". Purchases made by me. So... can any kind soul grant me a Zeiss Ikon Taxona? Look! It's very pretty!

Man, this is getting mighty desperate.

the lenten sacrifice

2007-03-08T10:57:00.000+08:00

Chips induced a "konsensya" moment upon me yesterday. I didn't have a sacrifice for Lent. In the past years, I used to give up coffee. But well... doing that now would just leave me asleep or cranky, and downright useless. He suggested cutting down on rice. But I barely even eat rice. I can't even finish have a cup. And so he suggested...

No buying of new cameras or film until Easter.

Nooooooooooooooooo!!!! Omigod. I don't know if I can take it. I'm watching for 2 bulks of films and a beautiful vintage camera on eBay. They only have 4 days left! Will I be able to restrain myself? I don't know if I even want this to happen! Well, I DON'T!

I hate this feeling of helplessness. It's making me wriggle.

advance happy vacation

2007-03-05T19:06:00.000+08:00

Thanks Cebu Pacific, for pulling a part two of this wondrous cheapo rate promo. I now have a pre-planned vacation for October. We're going to Bohol. Yehey! A brand new destination for me and my Lomo babies.

It's still far away... but I'm comforted by the fact that a beautiful vacation awaits.

migraine season

2007-02-26T10:18:00.000+08:00

February hasn't even left us and yet it's been dreadfully hot and dry. Migraines are flying here and there. I was driving myself to work with the fear that my left eye would voluntarily throw itself out into the windshield. One of the assistants in the office had to rush herself to the hospital because she was on the verge of regurgitating.

But -- the ugliest thing about this kind of weather is that the office airconditioning doesn't care if you get pneumonia. So scenario is... you walk in the dead heat of the sun, go into the building where you get a blast of artic artificial air, then go back out to thaw. I swear, whoever thought that this was a great way to motivate the working force... well, he must think that he's really smart.

It also doesn't help that windows don't really abound in our building. I'm literally in a cube. To my right is a wall. Behind me is another desk. I see no windows. I don't get sunlight. The water fountain is one whole stretch of a hallway away. Man, if I was a plant, I would've died already.

They say coffee has this ingredient that helps with headaches. Hold on while I crawl my way to another cup...

sharing of a monstrous vision

2007-02-20T09:57:00.000+08:00

Last Friday, Chips and I were having dinner at Figaro Greenbelt. Then Chips called to my attention a monstrous sight. I will do my best to describe the horrendous apparition that came before us. I apologize for not being able to take a picture, as it was moving around and refused capture. Plus, the phonecamera was not exactly meant for night vision.

The said "creature" was young, with other beings of her age. Adults were chaperones. I will blame these people claiming guidance over the one who did not know any better, for letting her frolic freely (and oh so confidently, which is sad). Imagine the un-styled collusion of the following:

One: Animal print leggings. Note that this was worn alone, as bottoms, without the stylish coverage of a miniskirt or a loose flowy blouse. Also note that they are ill-fitting. I cannot fathom a pair of supposedly skin-hugging leggings to actually not fit the skin that one is in, but this pair was a wee bit pudgy on the crotch area.

Two: A tight, brown tank top. Although I have nothing against tight brown tanks as I myself am an avid fan, there is something to be said about wearing a short (belly-button length) one together with animal print leggings that is pudgy at the crotch.

Three: A stretch waist belt (the type that crinkles). Again, I am a supporter of the waisted belt trend. But for a 2-inch bronze belt to be worn over a short, tight tank atop animal print leggings -- it is an amalgamation of horrors.

Four: A tailored, cropped short-sleeved jacket of the cream color. To be worn with a tank top is not a crime. But please note that it is worn with the growing fashion feast of wrongness.

Five: Cream square-tipped shoes. Not pumps. Nor sandals. More of loafer-ish. With a wedged heel. Need I say more.

Six: A carnation pink chain-type shoulder bag. And when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

Seven: A thick animal print head band to top it all off.

I have collected some photo references, for your appreciation. I must say though, that these items can be worn stylishly, selectively combined or separately, but not in such a violative overflowing manner of horridness. I know, I'm mean. But can you just imagine all of this walking around care of just one lost and unjustifiably confident victim?

the day of the love

2007-02-13T10:25:00.001+08:00

lonely
Originally uploaded by dezphaire.

It's that time of the year again. When styro cut-out hearts and sweet glittery swirls surround you. Boxes of ruffled chocolates. Silly dressed-up stuffed toys. Ballads of outpouring emotions. Gifts wrapped in shimmery paper. Cards that play when you press a button.

I hope I get none of those for Valentine's. Yah, call me a party pooper. Your valentine scrooge. I really don't feel the need. You'll be clamoring for a table reservation in a restaurant filled with mushy-wushy couples. You'll be strolling along holding-hands along with throngs of people doing the same thing. Oh I'd so hate to be the girl lugging a bouquet of flowers around. Or one of those bears holding little printed balloons. Come on, is that a statement of love or of ordinary conformity? I say that it means he can't think of anything else. The last thing I'd want to have is that day's commodity.

Yah well, I'd like to think of myself as not an ordinary kind of girl. And I love being surprised by something different. Because it means that it was given thought. It means that I mean something more than the usual. Now that, my dear, is a sign that he cares, that he knows you, that he wants it to be memorable. I mean, if you can't think of anything else to do, then just have a quiet cup of coffee at home and talk. That's as bare and sincere a heartfelt expression can get. Which is better, I think, than letting a balloon speak for you.

Am I being difficult? Maybe I just enjoy being difficult. But isn't that the challenge? The thrill? When you are able to surprise and go beyond what is expected? Well, for me at least.

Good thing I have someone who's always up for the challenge :)

crossing the film with the digital

2007-02-12T09:12:00.001+08:00

I'm having some kind of disconnect now. I was in Singapore last week and I spent my money buying film. Yes, film. I didn't even get to buy a pair of shoes *gasp!* can that even be true!?? Sad to say, yes.

I also spent my time looking for accessories to Chips' newly bought toy. So many numbers and acronyms... gah. Talking digital shop with people is like being in a P&G meeting. I so wanted to buy him a fisheye lens. Just because it's cool. But I didn't because it's so goddamn expensive.

I didn't bring a digital camera with me for the trip. I didn't think it would add any value. I already had my LC-A. Two metal bodies in a bag would be heavy. And another one thing, you can't cross-process a digital file. Okay fine, you can photoshop it. But where's the suspense if you control everything? I'm in the process of injecting the idea of Lomo-mods into Chips' digital toy. Like a Holga lens. Or a Lensbaby. We're both excited about it, but well... budget barrier. Why do these little things cost so much time and money. Demmit.

There's something hypnotic about crashing colors and vignettes. I'm still under that spell. And my digicam is wondering when the hell I'm gonna get out of it.

For now, I just thank God that I don't have a credit card.

vanity strikes

2007-01-30T10:21:00.001+08:00

vanity strikes
Originally uploaded by dezphaire.

This is what happens when you have a new toy with you as you go shopping. Mango was going about its end-of-season sale. The dress I'm wearing in the photo was down to 2,000Php (wow, like that made it all of a sudden affordable). I decided to relegate the funds to more purchases of film.

I always like going into the sales of high-end stores. Even if i'm 90% sure I would end up buying nothing. I'm just hoping somehow I'd stumble across a great find. There was this time I got my hands on this very glam puffa vest at Mango. The tag said 799Php. WOW goddammit I can't let this pass! I was hanging onto it for dear life as I browsed through the rest of the racks. When I was about to pay for it, the counter lady said it was tagged wrong. And that it was actually 1,000++ something. ACK! The horror. The dismay. I knew it was too good to be true.

I'm such a cheapskate. Maybe I should just stick to ukay. And make it glam by virtue of personality.

aggressive filmititis

2007-01-29T13:23:00.001+08:00

film is a drug
Originally uploaded by i need a kamera to my eye.

This is how insane the said disease can get. The measure? If you have more film in your refrigerator vs. food. It is fatal if you don't care about expiration dates anymore, because this non-caring can very well carry over to expiration dates you SHOULD worry about -- like of those you actually ingest.

The cure has yet to be found. Suggested approach of therapy is to purchase yourself a mega digital SLR, so you may amuse yourself with its functions. Further treatments shall include lens lusting and acquisition of other such extensions.

Sad to say, I'm having manifestations of this ailment. But I'm taking it one tupperware of film at a time.

another camera post

2007-01-26T18:06:00.001+08:00

digital are we?
Originally uploaded by dezphaire.

This boy here will be very happy this weekend. Because he's just decided that he will be getting a Canon DSLR. The model number escapes me right now, but I'm sure it's going to be a bundle of technological joy. Far more than that compact camera stuck to the tri-pod.

On the film point, I am very very happy with the second-hand LC-A I got. I'm so excited to take it through a black and white film spin.

Happy Weekend guys!

i've been elsewhere

2007-01-24T20:03:00.000+08:00

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry for neglecting you for the past couple of days. It's not that I've forgotten you. It may be that I've been disproportionately focused with Mr. Multiply and The Flickr. I promise to write about something soon. I don't know if you'd like another picture post. I'm still high about my latest toy. And I might yammer about that again.

On a brighter note, I'm still waiting for another stash of film. So when the high subsides, I may just write more. I don't know yet.

Thanks for just being there.

Dez.

we're six i can't believe it!

2007-01-15T11:30:00.000+08:00

I really can't. Every year we celebrate it, I still can't believe it. That he could actually stand me for this prolonged a time. Haha. It feels like... well, not this long. Feels like it wasn't long at all. I am so not coherent this morning. Well, enough of the mush. I'll just recount how we celebrated, okay?

I actually got up before lunch on Saturday. We were going to drive up to Tagaytay and have a go at Bag of Beans. It's just a bit of a drive from the town proper, on the right side of the highway. It was cozy and very home-y. Quite like a Sonya's Garden. Except that the dishes were made for the carnivorous (like me!). Their Sheperd's pie was absolutely delicious. And for dessert, make sure to get their Apple Pie. Best if accompanied with their brewed coffee.

I brought along my new toy. It's a shame we didn't get a picture of us together with it, because it didn't have a timer. But we did have our digital camera. I love sunlight. Natural light makes for a winning concealer of eyebags.

Sunday, the official anniv date, we went to hear mass together. And the gospel was about that Wedding at Cana (is God telling us something?). And the priest made this spin about the running out of wine being a symbol of how marriage/relationships lose their spirit and become watered down after some time. Well, I'm very thankful how we haven't gotten to the watered down bit. I'm praying that we don't. And I'm not wanting to get ahead of myself. So I'll stop talking now. That's too waaaaaaaaay ahead that it's scary.

Oh yah, let me just say that I succeeded in surprising Chips. I got him a Supersampler. He was so cute, his feet were flapping as he was tinkering with the camera. Now that's literally spreading the lomolove.

Cheers to us, baby! Mwah!

extra charge for a banana

2007-01-10T14:02:00.000+08:00

I am not really ranting about service. I just don't get the logic. Or maybe there isn't really any logic. You be the judge:

We were eating lunch at Pancake House today. And I really wanted this Vanilla French Toast thing that they had going. It had mango slices, french toast, and two scoops of vanilla ice cream. Beautiful. After a few minutes, the waitress approaches me and informs me that they don't have any mangos anymore. They can only give me peaches. But I didn't want peaches. I don't eat peaches. So I ask if it can be replaced by bananas. Which in my mind, should be possible. Because it's a fruit replacing another fruit. She goes back in to confirm. As she returns, she tells me that getting a banana will result to an extra charge. I am bewildered at that point. Isn't a banana even cheaper than a peach? Why will they charge me extra for a banana? I'm not getting the peach. It's called a replacement.

In the end, I wanted to really eat the thing but without the peach. I opted to just get charged for the friggin banana. The dessert was heavenly. I loved it. But at the back of my head I still kept thinking... why the hell did they charge me extra for a cheaper fruit that replaced the original one?

If I was a monkey, I'd be really pissed and throw a fit. But I am not a monkey. So there.

the cinefilm and AFX experiment

2007-01-07T01:53:00.000+08:00

Dear Readers,

This will be another post on my regression to film photography. If you have been following said travel into this world, you would know that I recently acquired a new camera, the Holga AFX. This will be the first showcase of the rolls from the camera. I used cinefilm loaded into 35mm canisters. They were processed as negatives. Results are more unpredictable vs. regular negatives. Yes, I am all for unpredictability! And that is indeed what I got.

The first lab we went to were scared shitless that the films came out with blots and scratches. Some parts were even becoming smudged and erased (I'd probably only get 8-12 shots surviving per roll). So the scanning lab didn't want to accept one roll. I found a branch that didn't care about the dirty film and went ahead to print it.

And here, dear readers, I present my favorite shots from that discriminated roll.

Regards,
Dez

i couldn't fit into the jeans i bought before christmas

2007-01-02T09:39:00.000+08:00

Chips and I got each other a pair of jeans for Christmas. I chose these skinny jeans. I was saving them for the New Years mass. So when I wore them... or tried to wear them... *gasp* I really had to suck that tummy in! My gooooodnesssss!!!

I had to wear a billowy loose top to cover up the unfit-ness of the jeans. And I couldn't really sit properly because the jeans were obstructing proper air intake. Hahaha. That's for eating almost every 2 hours and going to the fiesta in Bulacan (at dad's hometown). I ate more Lechon in the past 2 weeks than the whole of 2006 I think.

We didn't have much fireworks for the New Year. Usually we went up to Ilocos Norte (my mom's hometown) to celebrate. But since we had a couple of balikbayans visiting, we just spent it with them at the house. Fireworks were care of the chinese people in the neighborhood. We just craned our necks to different directions. Then we had pasta and fiesta ham as a midnight "snack". I can't believe how much food we had for the holidays.

Happy New Year everyone! Any resolutions for 2007? I don't make any. But I'll try to be good. "Try" being the operative word.

cramming for christmas

2006-12-18T15:29:00.000+08:00

The bad thing about procrastinating for gifts, aside from getting smushed together with all the other crammers, is that you really feel the money diminishing. It's like this big ka-blam of hey, the money's gone. The big price of being unprepared. Having no list and bad memory is a really evil combination. It's either I double-buy gifts for some person, or totally forget someone. Nevertheless, I've gone totally overboard on budget. I didn't have time to go to-and-from Divisoria. So I'm stuck scouring the available bazaars for available gifts fitting (hopefully not force-fitting) people I remember to give gifts to at that moment.

But the good thing about whatever's happening is -- I am very, very happy wrapping the gifts. It's like some form of meditation. Just with a resulting backache or stiff neck. But I swear, I will be entirely content if I was just some gift-wrapper lady in some bookstore.

I played Santa distributing the little gifts this morning. And it was a happy morning. Even if it was a Monday.

Now I have to think of what to cram for the rest of the people. Like my mom. My dad. My sister... *sigh*. Santa will be sooo not proud of me.

there's this packing spam again

2006-12-14T09:53:00.000+08:00

I don't know how it happened. But even with this word verification thing on, there's this packing spammer invading my comments. And it's the longest collection of nonsense ever. I actually don't mind deleting it. But dammit it's longer than a healthy tapeworm. I deleted one from the comment box of this post last night. And this morning, wahey guess what? The same post now has a brand new spanking packer spam comment!

Is it because I haven't switched to Blogger Beta? What's the deal with this thing? We are not safe!!!

I have turned on the comment moderation option, in the hopes to control this thing. I hate the concept of having to moderate anything. I hate the idea of adding steps. But if it helps moderate stress levels, I'm going to give it a go.

Apologies in advance to those who like seeing their comments instantaneously.

floating

2006-12-13T08:58:00.000+08:00

I'm kinda on this not-here-nor-there plane. Like, it's Christmas but you don't have the spirit. Or like being optimistic but really just sarcastic. Dreading doom but at some point you don't really care. The best approach I think is really, to condition yourself to just be void of expectations. Even if you know there's failure, there's some impending curse or what have yous. Just be all WHAT THE HELL. Everything moves on. The world will turn. Yada, yada, yada. Stress and de-stress. Go shopping. Buy shoes. Kill people (I wish).

Oh yah, the new camera is locked and loaded. Maybe I'll lug it around on the weekend. For those waiting for the shots, hope you are patient. It will take a while for me to finish and process the roll.

Just so we're all in the same page, let's not have any expectations.

it's kinda here!

2006-12-11T11:44:00.000+08:00

I received a note from the post office the other day. The camera, it is there! The bummer thing about it though, is that I need to pick it up from their office. And it's only open on weekdays! Argh. The agony of waiting. So near and yet so far! I hope my dad can pick it up today. He said he would. I'm really praying he doesn't forget. Dory-ness runs in our family.

poor monday?

2006-12-04T10:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel sorry for Monday. Everyone hates it. Like, dreads it to the core. It's like dubbed as the universal impending doom. It's the weekly end-of-the-world. When the alarm rings on Monday mornings, we don't feel as heavy and inwardly disgusted as the other days.

We don't feel the same about any other day of the week. Garfield doesn't hate Wednesdays. It's just a sorry coincidence that Monday ends the weekend. That it's when everything usually blows up in your face as the problem you'd have to solve for the rest of the week. It's the day when heart attacks happen the most. An officemate of mine had a heart attack on a Monday. When Sunday comes, everyone's like, oh no it's a Monday tomorrow. And for some reason, we don't get tired of groaning and whining the same way every week of every year in so far that consciousness hit us in the head.

Who do we blame for feeling the same about Mondays? School? Work? Well, unless you grew up absolutely loving school and work to insane unconditional pieces. I don't know. I mean, do unemployed people dread Mondays? How about those kids schooled at home? Personally I think Monday should file a case against school and work. For making it look so bad.

I bet Tuesday is feeling nice about it's position. It's like, neither here nor there. So you can't really get mad at it. But, if our week started on a Tuesday, would we feel the same way about it? Would the hatred be automatically passed on?

At the state I'm in though, I don't know if I'd feel better being Monday, or being in a Monday. Because if I'm Monday, I can't just be like... fuck you all, that's not my problem. I'm just the day you're in. I don't freakin' care.

Okay, forget it. I'm not sorry for Monday anymore.

it hasn't come yet!

2006-11-28T19:13:00.000+08:00

I am guilty of gearlust. Eversince I started swirling within the mists of film photography. I have a total of 5 cameras now. One is digital. Four are film. And now, my birthday-slash-Christmas gift to myself will join the film family.

It's a Holga 35mm AFX. The regular-film version of the holga/woca, which takes these kinds of pictures using 120 film. Sorry if I'm boring those who do not care. I am yammering. I just want to rant. Because maybe getting this little box will make me happy. Maybe it will give me back some zest for living. I am very much hoping. The wait is killing me.

I bought it last week. It's been shipped. And it's not here yet! Darnit.

i want to step on something

2006-11-27T15:29:00.000+08:00

don't mess with me or i'll step on you
Originally uploaded by dezphaire.

And squish it into a million pieces. And let all the frustration and depression seep out. It's not feeling very Christmas-y now. Because it's been about meeting deadlines and running around like headless chickens.

Well, I tried to go Christmas shopping this weekend. But I ended up buying more things for myself. Stress relief prevailed. And speaking of relief, I will try some reflexology massage this Friday. I hope that will finally unknot me.

Friday is going to be a holiday. Which is a wee! moment. But then again, it will mean hacking the timetables one day short. Therefore there's more running around. Why is there always two sides to a coin again? Why can't things be always happy?

Sigh. Happy Monday people.

gust of wind

2006-11-22T18:47:00.000+08:00

there is light

at

the end of the tunnel.

and hopefully it won't be a train.

wahey another poem.

2006-11-20T17:00:00.000+08:00

Don't care.
Not who.
When or where.

Just leave.
Unbelieve.
You're dead.
Wasted need.

Suicide.
End the spite.
Over now.
Send the light.

Just end.
Please be dead.
No amend.
Please just end.

7:11 PM
Yet another one of those days.

the day after the birthday

2006-11-19T00:58:00.000+08:00

I often think that diving into and swimming within this mess called adulthood causes things to lose meaning. Like everything else gets consumed and transformed into something stress-related. Like getting a year older isn't a big deal. Celebrating the day you were born gets... mundane. It somehow mutates into this standard day. Am I being too much of a grinch? Speaking of grinch, I haven't started Christmas shopping. And I'm beginning to hate the rush. Argh. This is so bad.

Anyway, it was my birthday yesterday. And I spent it amidst running deadlines and anxiety-filled conversations. But I thank the people who greeted me yesterday, and made me feel light-hearted, even if it was only for the duration of the greet.

My mom was so sweet. She gave me a shirt that said "Shoe Addict. Still finding a cure." It was printed in gold letters, against white. From my sister, a shrunken vest that she got from her Italy trip (she said to pick amongst her pasalubongs which to consider the birthday gift). Two novels from Apester. A tripod from Chips (he always comes up with the most distinctive gifts). More reasons to spend on cameras and films! Hehe. And my co-workers surprised me with a cake, pansit and barbecue mirienda. You know, the happy-birthday soft cake with them flower icing things. Really nice. But then we had to go back and prepare for another meeting, and another meeting.

My birthday wish -- that next year, the day will be spent with more ease. That it will not be prone to losing its meaning. That Lord God, I sure hope that the Saturday slated for that celebration won't be jinxed with a shoot. Or a business trip. Or anything like that. Really.

wow i wrote a poem.

2006-11-16T22:48:00.000+08:00

Not inspired.
Lost the fire.
Fate's a liar.
Life's freeze-hired.
Death admires.
Unlight the pyre.
Nowhere the I.
I lost the fire.

11:03 PM
Another one of those days.

the toe thing

2006-11-12T01:25:00.000+08:00

The thing about being in slippers is that your toes are out in the open, welcoming any casualty. I ran into a casualty today. I was walking behind Chips and for some reason, my foot crashed into his. The advantage he had was that he was in sneakers. So there it was, a lightning-like pang of pain. My "pointer" toe was writhing in it. Then I just didn't mind it. It's going to wear off. And off a-shopping we went. And off to a movie too (we watched The Prestige, and oh my Lord was it a wonderful droolfest).

So we went home and all, hung out, played with the dog. And for some reason, I felt like I should examine my toe. And hey, what do you know... it looks like dried blood. I didn't really notice it at first, because my toenails were painted dark red.

Chips was such a sweetie for cleaning it up with alcohol. And he said that maybe the nail was cracked. He suggested that we break it off. Ack! No! The grossness of having no toenail? He said well, you'd still have half. The head was screaming no, no, no! This cannot be happening! We agreed that a band-aid should be taped over it, to prevent any undesired voluntary clipping. I cannot imagine it happening. I'd rather not.

Shit, there goes the planned pedicure tomorrow.

giddy cheery happy me

2006-11-07T15:08:00.000+08:00

I'm extraordinarily cheery today. I'm not usually cheery. I feel like I'm floating amidst this bright gleam. It's also making me feel unmotivated to work. Like I just want to skip around or something. It's abnormal, I know.

Why this absolutely questionable behavior you ask? Three things.

One, I got Chips' early birthday gift. It's a pro Flickr account! Wee! I'm now a pro!

Two, I finally got my Visa Debit card. Woot woot! I can now shop online! Someone please restrain me from going wild on ebay. Now if only Paypal would accept my card!!!

Three, I will be getting the CD of my scanned slides from the Lomomanila Witch Project shoot. It's going to be ready for pick-up by 5PM. I can't wait.

I have a meeting with Clients at 4PM. Then I have a meeting with the Creative guys. Oh when to sneak, when to sneak! I want to see my pixies!!!

bragging rights

2006-10-30T17:07:00.000+08:00

Can I just scream!??? This photo made it on Flickr's interestingness list for October 22. I am trying to contain myself. I am trying to not go on a handstand. Lomo on!!!

shot with a Frogeye in Boracay.
using expired Fuji Sensia 100, cross processed.

little snippets

2006-10-30T13:33:00.000+08:00

I apologize to have been quite out of it lately. I've gotten lazy, sick, distracted and un-fined for the past few days. I just have some little thoughts and snippets for today. Errrmmm so here goes.

I want to buy a new book. It's called Vertigo. It's a thriller and the reviews are interesting. I just found it last week on the new releases shelf in Powerbooks. I just didn't have money then. Maybe this week I'll buy it. Problem is, I haven't gotten to read any of the new books I've bought over the past months. I don't know -- maybe I just like having a lot of books around me.

I just bought another camera. A friend who makes trips to Hidalgo bought my latest toy camera for me. It's a Woca. It uses 120 format film. It's helluva hard to load the freakin film. I haven't gotten to shoot anything with it yet. I'll bring it over to Nov 1. Hoping to get eerie shots. Baka may moomoo!

I continue to hate parents who can't control their children in church. It's actually nice that these kids get exposed to the sacrament early on. But it would be nice if they actually learned how to behave. Some kids do -- they just sit around, with their big eyes. They'd throw a fit but they'd be easily appeased and they'd get quiet again. But some are just downright noisy. Let them loose and they're doing karate moves on the aisle. Restrain them and they'd wail like it was the end of the world. The annoying thing is -- no one is doing anything about it! I mean, at least one of the parents could just step out with the kid. There's no use keeping him inside to disturb everyone else. Argh. If only it wasn't a sin to strangle someone.

I've been a home body for the past 3 days. Yah. Sick as a dog, going to vommit. Like literally. I got struck by some food poisoning. And I felt what it would be like to be a bulimic for 2 days. Now I'm on the road to recovery. On gatorade therapy. I hope I get better in time for Nov 1. Because that would mean that a lot of food will be out there for the eating. The only advantage of this is that I'm getting skinnier. Hehe.

I should find a way to get rid of my extra shoes. I have like 40 pairs and counting. My mom constantly tells me to give some away, especially those that are worn in. But who will benefit from pumps, mules and stilleto sandals? Sigh.

I'm running out of snippets now. Hehe. I guess I should end it here. Toodles!

about surprises

2006-10-25T11:20:00.000+08:00

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right.

I swear, this sneaking up thing is getting to me. I usually like surprises but only when they're pleasant ones. Well, who would like being surprised by a realization filled with wrongness. It's like this wake up slap. Hey you, don't just sit there. Everything's not fine. It will never be fine. Life is not fine. Life will always find a way to un-fine you.

Anyway, enough of the venting. Let's move onto a cheerier topic. That maybe some of you will not find relevant but I'm going to blog about it anyway. I've been Flickring more than I've been blogging lately. I got into this thing called Lomography. I've had the cameras since last year. But I've just recently gotten to know the ins and outs. About the films and the processing. I'm addicted. Especially when I got my first dose of this drug called cross-processing. It makes for a more unpredictable result. And the suspense kills, but you're very much rewarded in the end.

shot with a Colorsplash, instant exposure with a purple gel.
Fuji Sensia 100 slide film, cross-processed.

The thing about it though is that you never know if any of the shots will see the light of day. You're crossing your fingers. And pacing. And all that. And when you finally get the shots you're all giddy. Not that everything's there. It's always I guess a surprise of hey, there are actually shots here. And hey, they're not half bad. This is the kind of sneaking up I welcome.

So I've kind of debunked that statement someone made about Lomography not being fit for me because I'm OC. I guess this has taught me to be more receptive to things I cannot control. And I'm very much happy with the results. Now please someone help keep me from bidding on eBay.

playing pretend

2006-10-20T10:33:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine is throwing a Halloween Costume party on her Birthday (which is on November 2). And Chips and I are invited. The wearing of what costume is a question that has been nagging us even when we were in Boracay. Here's the kind of dilemma we have:

Me: I'll just be a cowgirl. I already have the boots, the miniskirt and a vest. I just need a hat.

Him: That's corny. Let's do something scary.

Me: I want to look pretty!

Him: You wanted black wings right?

*pause*

Him: I want to be The Crow.

*pause*

Him: And you can be the crow.

Me: I don't want to be a bird!!!

Him: You'll be a pretty bird!

*pout*

Him: C'mon I'll make you a beak.

Me: Aaaaargh. Whoever said we needed to come as a pair!?? I'll be pretty, you'll be scary. BAH.

Any suggestions?

am i being iffy again?

2006-10-17T19:07:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's because I'm back.
From Boracay.
From four days on the beach.
Feeling no pressure.
No worries.
Basically just thinking of what to do.
Or what not to do.
How much money we still have.
How absolutely beautiful this creation is.

Maybe it's because I can't imagine
that I'm not there anymore.

Demmit.

the air is talking

2006-10-10T16:36:00.000+08:00

Sometimes there's this air of discomfort that just wraps around you. You wish you could explain it. I just call it plain feeling iffy. Uncomfortable. Unfitting. There's just this aura of wrongness. It doesn't need an overt discussion. Nobody needs to tell you. Nothing needs to happen. It doesn't mean something negative is really happening (at the moment) either. It could mean that your subconscious is just making you imagine things. Hyphothesize things. Overthink things.

Is it what you call gut? The stomach talking and not the brain? This feeling of iffy-ness is not easy to shake off either. It's forgettable. But it just needs the littlest of provocations to ease out again. I hate feeling iffy. It's like I don't know what to do. Because it's not real. You're assuming it could be real. But in the end, it's just an assumption. You can't pinpoint what you did wrong. You can't even decide if it's you. Or someone else. Or something.

Iffyness leads to yammering. Like what's happening now. There's something iffy in the air. My nose is involuntarily twitching in thought. I don't know what to do. And I don't know what's the thing I should do about. Confusing isn't it.

Maybe I need to go home.

i don't know what to write about

2006-10-09T09:20:00.000+08:00

I can write about another frustrating shoe hunt (yes, it didn't stop at the Zara incident). I can also write about the LomoLove exhibit I went to this Saturday. Piggybacking from that, how I created a new set in my Flickr in honor of my "filmlust". There's also the fact that it's only 5 more days to go before I fly out to Bora. And as always, there's that ever-reliable rantfest about work and how freakin' cold the office is.

So many things, so little motivation. My brain's all jumbled up. I'm excited, ecstatic and impatient. I want to be in Bora now. I want my film developed, like now. I want to just be resizing and uploading pictures the entire day.

BAH. And in a fit of a lack of transitions, I shall just share with you the soundtrack of my non-sensicality -- this beautifully sad song by Coheed and Cambria, "Wake Up". Good day, people.

I'm going to ride this plane out of your life again.
I wish that I could stay but you argue.
More than this I wish you could've seen my face
In backseat staring out the window.

I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips, I love you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

I've earned through hope and faith
The curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you, wherever.

I'll do anything for you.
This story is for you.
I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips, I loved you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

the definition of frustration

2006-10-05T15:36:00.000+08:00

Imagine ZARA.

After being in Steve Madden.
in Nine West.
in Tyler.
in Footnotes.

Imagine being on a budget.

They were too expensive.
They don't fit right.
They don't really look right on your feet.

Back to imagining ZARA.

Red faux croc skin.
Sling backs.
Pointy and sexy.
Narrow 2 1/2 inch heels.

SALE.

Well under 2,000 Php.
Huwaaaaatttt!?!?

Okay. Size 7.
Too tight.
Oh look, they have Size 9.

They don't have size 8.
They don't have size 8.

AAAAAAACCCCKKKK.

pinhole practice

2006-10-03T23:02:00.000+08:00

eager excited ecstatic
Originally uploaded by jolengs.

I'm finally done with the test. The experiment went rather well, with some shots surprisingly recognizable. All of them largely blurred, because I couldn't keep my hands steady that long (pasmado kasi). I had to not care that I looked like some weirdo holding a little plastic box up for over 20 seconds. I think I'm getting somewhere. I just bought double-sided tape to renew the pinhole - it's smaller and sans tearing.

This camera redefines "manual". The film took me ages to load. And winding it after every shot is just one big guessing game. Is this enough? Is this too much? Am I wasting film? Anyway, the suspense factor I guess adds to its appeal. And also the fact that you can double-expose without even meaning to. Which is what happened with my favorite guinea pig shot. Hehe. I don't even remember what I double-exposed it with! Freaky.

i need painkillers

2006-10-02T10:22:00.000+08:00

There's this throbbing pain on my left temple. I had it since yesterday. Actually, yesterday my entire head was throbbing. I don't know why. I was walking through Greenhills last night and it was like my skull just flared.

Maybe it's the fact that we haven't had electricity for the past four days. The storm took down four big posts. Two of them the type that had that trash-can-looking things hanging at the top. We have a generator on, to keep the fridge and freezer cool. It's also on at night, to at least have the little electric fan run. It gets turned off at around 2am, when the air gets relatively cool. Maybe it's the whizzing and buzzing being drilled into my head as I sleep. And maybe it's because I wake up all sweaty because by that time, the sun's already beaming into my room. Maybe shmaybe.

It's extraordinarily bright now. I took my sister to school, and I've never seen the campus (the little that we got) so bare and bright. The trees (again, the little that the campus actually has) have been tapered and reduced to shrubbery. The main roads of Makati are likewise unshaded. I am grateful though that the trees along Mckinley Road survived. It will be a while till they get their thick, lush greens back.

I hope that by the time I get home tonight, we'd have electricity. In the meantime, I should find myself some painkillers. Bah. Work.

the blogging question

2006-09-28T08:43:00.000+08:00

It's raining and flooding. And some people probably wouldn't come to work. I'm the first in our team to arrive. So with stalling work first and foremost in my mind right now, let me write about writing. Err, blogging. As inspired by some provoking thoughts by Knoizki.

Why do I blog, you say? Expression. Freedom. Uncontrollable thoughts. Creativity. Outlet. Communication. I started blogging because I didn't have time to write anymore. A good friend of mine introduced me to the concept. Because we were both writers (and she is now, professionally) and I always ranted about work always swamping over inspiration. My ring-bound notebook has been abandoned. So the initial intent of this blog was to be an outlet of repressed creativity. An easier way to publish poetry, whatever short stories. Because really, I didn't want to stop writing.

I wanted it to be poetic. Dramatic. Like theater. Then at some point, my subconscious decided that writing here should have no limits. Nor rules. This blog should not be cornered into a template, so to speak. I've shared with you some poetry. I've also shared a short story. More than that, I think I've also shared my life - my soul. And the drama lies there. And I think you get the picture.

I don't think I blog to get comments. It does help - because I know people are reading, and appreciating, and motivating me. But primarily, I think I blog because I feel the need to express myself. If not through creative literature, then through this. If not through oil paintings, then through this.

Okay. Enough drama. Have a good day and blog on!

experimenting

2006-09-25T19:22:00.000+08:00

I signed myself up for LomoManila the other day, and learned that there's this pinhole camera thing for sale in the toy sections of malls. Out of curiosity and sheer ambition to take photos like these guys, I bought myself one. I also bought myself a roll of film. Now I just need to muster up the patience to actually assemble the parts.

Someone told me that on the first crack, I probably won't get the best results. Well... no pain, no gain I think. Just like wearing stilletos.

Wish me luck.

when do i see you again?

2006-09-22T09:42:00.000+08:00

There's something to be said about being being apart. Sometimes, even if you're together, it's like the true essence of being in each other's presence isn't there. At some point you'd really miss seeing each other almost every day. And you'd hate it that it's so hard to have some quality time when you need to be comforted. Sometimes you'd be caught up with the day's (or work's) distractions to even care. There are also times that life presents an opportunity to break that not-seeing but well, you know how they say that the heart is willing but the body is weak? Traffic. Driving. Sleep deprivation. Stress. Those kinds of excuses.

I really admire people who survive long-distance relationships. I mean, I can just drive over to where my man is. I really can't fathom having an ocean or some major land formation in between you. When do we see each other again? That's gotta be the hardest thing to answer. I'm speculating. Imagining. Actually, I wouldn't know how to make that kind of the thing work. I'd probably just roll up in a corner and sulk.

Why am I being so melodramatic? I don't know. Maybe because I need to be with my someone. I miss the be-with time. I sometimes forget how a simple hug could do wonders to uplift you. Just sit around, with the TV off, talking about mundane things.

I'm re-posting this sonnet by Neruda. Just to top off my drama queen moment. On the up-and-up though, it's a Friday. The weekend is more forgiving to being-with time.

Maybe nothingness is to be without your presence,
without you moving, slicing the noon
like a blue flower, without you walking
later through the fog and the cobbles,

without the light you carry in your hand,
golden, which maybe others will not see,
which maybe no one knew was growing
like the real beginnings of a rose.

In short, without your presence: without your coming
suddenly, incitingly, to know my life,
gust of a rosebud, wheat of wind:

since then I am because you are,
since then you are, I am, we are,
and through love I will be, you will be, we'll be.

challenge your motor skills

2006-09-20T10:32:00.000+08:00

I finally finished this Parking Perfection test this morning. After like a gazillion tries. Only to find out that my score, 5522 points, is ranked the 156th! Demmit!

Wanna give it a try?

aloha world, i'm back

2006-09-19T09:06:00.000+08:00

Four days in Ilocos with family was absolutely stupendous. A recharger of sorts. It was a grand reunion of Foz's for my grandma's 90th birthday (and she doesn't look her age at all!). The celebration had this hawaiian theme, and we asked guests to play dress-up. And they did! It was so cute. I can't believe my dad was in a floral shirt. And Chips too! The girls were in sarongs and printed skirts. We all had leis that were bought from the States. It was actually a drizzly day but we were oblivious, with all the aloha-ing and bright colors.

Then the next day we were off to Pagudpud for a day at the beach. More bonding time with the cousins. It was a good thing it wasn't raining there. We got to lie down and relax under the sun. I didn't bring my polka-dot bikini because I realized the straps were too fat. And the dress I was going to wear at the wedding had spaghetti halter straps. Well, anyway there we were having fun on the beach. There was a videoke machine too, which made it all the more fun. Hehe.

And what's a grand reunion without grand servings of food? We had so much food. Too much food. For our own good. Steak, fish, lobsters, longganisa, lechon... oh the sinfulness! On our last night me and my cousin Nica treated the rest of the FozBrats to pizza. It's just a small parlor called C&E where they make their own recipes - can't be missed if you're in Laoag. We ordered seven pies and the resto gave us one for free. We were stuffed beyond reason. And on the road home, we were laughing about the most mundane things. So close to barfing. Not pretty. Lol.

My cousins will be leaving back for California and New York this weekend. I'll miss those brats.

i'm excused

2006-09-12T12:25:00.000+08:00

It's a busy month at work. Strategies are being thrown left and right. Brainstormings going on hour after hour. But, I am excused from it for two days. Yes, an actual vacation! I will be on a trip to Ilocos Norte by Thursday and will be back on Sunday. It's a legit excuse. It's my grandmother's 90th birthday. And it will be a mega Foz reunion. It will be noisy. It will be hilarious. It will be full of loud, boisterous and fun-loving people. And Chips will be coming along to witness the chaos.

It will also be my excuse for the new brown polka-dot bikini I bought from Topshop. We'll be driving up to Pagudpud on Saturday. Yessss... beach!

On the weekend of the 23rd, one of Chips' friends will be getting married. I already have a dress. But I didn't have shoes. For some reason, my 4-inch stilleto black satin sandals went awol. Therefore, I was excused to spend for a new pair of formal sandals from Chinese Laundry. Aren't they pretty? They're 3 1/2 inches. Not as strappy as my former pair, but it will have to do.

It's so much fun, having valid excuses. Hehe.

how to fool yourself in traffic

2006-09-12T08:27:00.000+08:00

Play epic songs like Bohemian Rhapsody, November Rain and Estranged.

Drive along.

Drive some more.

At some point you'd forget what's playing.

Honk at some people.

Maybe change lanes.

Then note what you're hearing.

Hey, it's still the same song.

song for sorrow

2006-09-11T15:39:00.000+08:00

This song played on one very dramatic episode in La Femme Nikita. Yes, I am totally obsessed with this show. I'm trying to download all the songs I can find on Limewire. This one I need to find. Like really. It's one of them sad songs that help make you happy.

Is Jesus Your Pal
by GusGus (for a short listen, click on the title)

Is Jesus your pal, do you call out his name
When your conscience is shivering.

Do you need someone too, just like those people who
Find peace in someone's promises.

You sure don't need my promises.

So come sit on my box, enjoy the view of the water
While my lifeboat is sinking

La la la la la la la la

If you open your eyes, take a look at this mess
Could you fake your own reflection child.

If you reach out for more, you find nothing but sorrow
'Cause knowledge is hollow.

And pride is hard to swallow.

So come sit on my box, enjoy the view of the water
While my lifeboat is sinking

Oh and I found this very nice site with reviews of every episode of the series. And a very apt description of Michael's character - "He could probably generate heat looking at a tossed salad." Oh I so agree.

progression

2006-09-05T21:17:00.000+08:00

There's something about black, coats, blank yet piercing stares and a hefty dose of stoicism that gets me obsessively hooked on these characters. Which reminds me... I should get the whole Buffy DVD set. Yup, that should be a good one after Nikita.

I think it went as far as "Forever Knight". Or even "Highlander" for that matter. So High School, hehe. And now i'm reliving my obsession on Michael. The way he doesn't even need to talk... tingly. When I get the Buffy DVD set, it's onto Angel and Spike. Hmmm.

Now there's a plan.

another addiction

2006-09-01T18:22:00.000+08:00

These DVD box sets of TV series are like little techie drugs. You get a fix with the first disc. And then you want to know what happens. But you know you need to sleep. But then again, you can't sleep knowing that you don't know what happens next. So you get up and insert the next disk. Now you're beyond the intro of all the characters. The plot thickens. A new conspiracy is introduced. So you stick in the next disc. Until your eyes are opened against their will and at moments you actually lose consciousness. But that doesn't stop you from playing disc after disc until you get to the season finale. Then you crave for the next season. Thinking of that cliffhanger makes you want to scream. And you don't have the next season's box set. Don't you just want to kill yourself?

I bought the three seasons box set for La Femme Nikita, this undercover-mission type series I got hooked on way back in high school. I was absolutely ecstatic when I got the DVD set. I can finally relive it! And I'd finally be able to know what ever happened to that mission when Nikita was supposed to be terminated. The show got cancelled when the network that was airing it then went through this business nosedive. I find out also that there were actually five seasons. So I'm missing the last two. Arg! I can foresee the agony.

I was so tempted to finish the entire season last night. Had to stop at around 2AM. My eyes are puffy. My head hurts. My brain is out of focus. And all the meetings today didn't help.

Tonight I watch again.

I'm such an easy addict for things, I notice.

resurrecting the addiction

2006-08-31T14:49:00.000+08:00

I downloaded Snood the other day. I just recalled that I hadn't played it in ages. So I happily installed the game on Bo. From then on, I spend almost the entire evening beating my own top score. On the "Puzzle" game, I even went as far as completing all the possible levels. Until it told me that there are no more puzzles to solve, and that I am an extraordinary Snood player. This was at 1 AM this morning.

The game has five settings - child, easy, medium, hard, and evil. I've never won an "evil" game. Never.

That will be my next goal.

i gawk

2006-08-28T23:38:00.000+08:00

The treadmill and choreography. Two concepts I couldn't even handle by themselves. Let alone combine them in an artful mastery of coordination and avoidance of death.

(Chips was bugging me for ages to view this clip. I brushed it away like anything. And now I'm blogging about it. I was just being the stubborn cow that I am. Hehe. Love you baby!)

the new chucks

2006-08-27T21:17:00.000+08:00

Wee! I finally got my pair of brown Chuck Taylors. I wore them today as I went shopping at Ukay. I am so happy. I've been wanting a pair for ages. And I got them for free! Well, practically free. I remembered I still have left over gift certificates from Christmas last year. I just needed to pitch in 130 bucks to cover for what the gift cheques couldn't.

Ukay was as usual such a joy. It was a new arrivals day so the stuff was still pretty expensive. Around 135 per shirt. But I was lucky to find 2 pairs of nice skinny jeans. And one of them were Levi's. Cool! I can't wait till they get out of the wash.

I'll probably wear my Chucks to work tomorrow. I don't care if it's too rugged for a Monday. Because tomorrow, the day's gonna get ugly.