I am guilty of gearlust. Eversince I started swirling within the mists of film photography. I have a total of 5 cameras now. One is digital. Four are film. And now, my birthday-slash-Christmas gift to myself will join the film family.

It's a Holga 35mm AFX. The regular-film version of the holga/woca, which takes these kinds of pictures using 120 film. Sorry if I'm boring those who do not care. I am yammering. I just want to rant. Because maybe getting this little box will make me happy. Maybe it will give me back some zest for living. I am very much hoping. The wait is killing me.

I bought it last week. It's been shipped. And it's not here yet! Darnit.

there is light

at

the end of the tunnel.




and hopefully it won't be a train.

Don't care.
Not who.
When or where.

Just leave.
Unbelieve.
You're dead.
Wasted need.

Suicide.
End the spite.
Over now.
Send the light.

Just end.
Please be dead.
No amend.
Please just end.

7:11 PM
Yet another one of those days.

I often think that diving into and swimming within this mess called adulthood causes things to lose meaning. Like everything else gets consumed and transformed into something stress-related. Like getting a year older isn't a big deal. Celebrating the day you were born gets... mundane. It somehow mutates into this standard day. Am I being too much of a grinch? Speaking of grinch, I haven't started Christmas shopping. And I'm beginning to hate the rush. Argh. This is so bad.

Anyway, it was my birthday yesterday. And I spent it amidst running deadlines and anxiety-filled conversations. But I thank the people who greeted me yesterday, and made me feel light-hearted, even if it was only for the duration of the greet.

My mom was so sweet. She gave me a shirt that said "Shoe Addict. Still finding a cure." It was printed in gold letters, against white. From my sister, a shrunken vest that she got from her Italy trip (she said to pick amongst her pasalubongs which to consider the birthday gift). Two novels from Apester. A tripod from Chips (he always comes up with the most distinctive gifts). More reasons to spend on cameras and films! Hehe. And my co-workers surprised me with a cake, pansit and barbecue mirienda. You know, the happy-birthday soft cake with them flower icing things. Really nice. But then we had to go back and prepare for another meeting, and another meeting.

My birthday wish -- that next year, the day will be spent with more ease. That it will not be prone to losing its meaning. That Lord God, I sure hope that the Saturday slated for that celebration won't be jinxed with a shoot. Or a business trip. Or anything like that. Really.

Not inspired.
Lost the fire.
Fate's a liar.
Life's freeze-hired.
Death admires.
Unlight the pyre.
Nowhere the I.
I lost the fire.

11:03 PM
Another one of those days.

The thing about being in slippers is that your toes are out in the open, welcoming any casualty. I ran into a casualty today. I was walking behind Chips and for some reason, my foot crashed into his. The advantage he had was that he was in sneakers. So there it was, a lightning-like pang of pain. My "pointer" toe was writhing in it. Then I just didn't mind it. It's going to wear off. And off a-shopping we went. And off to a movie too (we watched The Prestige, and oh my Lord was it a wonderful droolfest).

So we went home and all, hung out, played with the dog. And for some reason, I felt like I should examine my toe. And hey, what do you know... it looks like dried blood. I didn't really notice it at first, because my toenails were painted dark red.

Chips was such a sweetie for cleaning it up with alcohol. And he said that maybe the nail was cracked. He suggested that we break it off. Ack! No! The grossness of having no toenail? He said well, you'd still have half. The head was screaming no, no, no! This cannot be happening! We agreed that a band-aid should be taped over it, to prevent any undesired voluntary clipping. I cannot imagine it happening. I'd rather not.

Shit, there goes the planned pedicure tomorrow.

I'm extraordinarily cheery today. I'm not usually cheery. I feel like I'm floating amidst this bright gleam. It's also making me feel unmotivated to work. Like I just want to skip around or something. It's abnormal, I know.

Why this absolutely questionable behavior you ask? Three things.

One, I got Chips' early birthday gift. It's a pro Flickr account! Wee! I'm now a pro!

Two, I finally got my Visa Debit card. Woot woot! I can now shop online! Someone please restrain me from going wild on ebay. Now if only Paypal would accept my card!!!

Three, I will be getting the CD of my scanned slides from the Lomomanila Witch Project shoot. It's going to be ready for pick-up by 5PM. I can't wait.


I have a meeting with Clients at 4PM. Then I have a meeting with the Creative guys. Oh when to sneak, when to sneak! I want to see my pixies!!!