Wednesday, February 27, 2008
alive and ranting
I'm amidst yet another crisis. Well, it's the same crisis just repeating itself, maybe in a bigger scale. I'm so close to breaking down, it's insane. How do you motivate yourself to keep on doing what you do? Well, it's not that I hate it. Okay, Sometimes I do. But sometimes it actually manages to make me happy. But then again, the road to that happiness is such an indescribable toil through hell.
I would have to say I'm doing it for the money. Because I want to save up for something. If I didn't need to save up for this something I would honestly already settle for a simpler job and wouldn't even mind being paid less. Because I have rationalized that I totally do not need this kind of stress in my life. The death of braincells, the possible doom of an aneurysm, the sunken bags under my eyes, the swelling tear ducts of sleepless nights -- I really can't imagine how long I can still take. And why I'm still taking it. Am I that desensitized to pain already?
I honestly don't know if I'm just being a little over acting drama queen, like a certain celeb I've just worked with, but darnit I'm not God. I can't possibly in my human superpowerless capacity give everyone everything. There's a certain breed of people that can't understand that you can't have everything. Can we have this here, can we have this there, can i have everything everywhere. Why? Well, I don't know. Just coz. Damn! Maybe they don't need people. Maybe they need robots. You know, the type of servants that don't complain. You just program things and everything is spat out the way their overworked (or underworked) brains would've wanted it.
I was thinking last night - what if I did what I was supposed to do last year? What if it did happen? Would I be feeling better? Would I be less of a stressful mess? Part of me wants to find out for real. Part of me doesn't. Scared, maybe? I truly hate being the person who's always stuck and can't leave. For some reason. I end up being the one not able to go away, try and explore. Well, at some point I'll have myself to blame - for being such a security junkie, for being too nice.
I have to work on being a gutsy bad-ass. Maybe then.
dezphaire strapped in @ 12:22 PM
Sometimes bored. Most of the time oddly alive. Phobic of butterflies. Creatively suppressed. Hungry for coffee and shoes. This is my subconscious talking... at times interrupted by my reality.
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